The other day, I realized that it's now been two decades since a phone conversation radically changed the trajectory of my life. It was the first week of June, 1994, and I had just finished ny junior year at what was then Cedarville College.
I had been dating my boyfriend for three and a half years, and while I had no ring yet, we had verbally committed ourselves to each other for life. However, in the several weeks before this call, my immediate family was going through something incredibly stressful, and instead of being my support and helping me through this tough time, he was just making things worse. So, when he started (again) talking about himself and the boat he wanted to buy, that day I had had enough. I said something like, "stop. I need a break. I need you to help me, not to be always thinking only about yourself. Maybe we should take a week off of calling each other and see if that helps". (He was living about 100 miles away at the time and talking long distance was not free, so we didn't do it every day.)
It was then he began to tell me that when he met me (3.5 years ago), he decided not to be himself, but the person he thought I needed. As he continued to talk, I began getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was not going to be a brief break. If he had deceived me and hadn't been himself around me for the entire time I had known him, what did that even mean?
Finally, at the end of the conversation, I remember asking him something like, "well, do you want me to call you after a month?" He said "that will be up to you", as if it didn't matter one iota to him. Twist that knife just a little bit more, please.
So, instead of returning to college my senior year with a ring, I returned single. I remember thinking, "what on earth am I going to do?" with regards to supporting myself with a music degree. It was never supposed to be a primary income, but secondary while he was a pilot and I was a stay at home Mom, giving music lessons out of the house. I knew deep within me that I was not "cut out" to be a music teacher in a school setting nor was I really talented enough to make it as a professional musician.
But it was too late.
My parents, God bless them (seriously!) - had paid for three years of private college tuition, and I had completed three-fourths of a degree. I really couldn't turn back. And even two decades later, I really can't tell you what I would have picked as an alternative major if I had started over. Music was my life, it defined me (I didn't know then how unhealthy that was at the time).
So, I finished my two degrees in music, the first was a Bachelors of Arts in Music Performance (oboe) in June of 1995, with the rest of my senior class. The second was Bachelors of Music Education, instrumental emphasis in December of 1995, after my 5th fall quarter, following my marching band student teaching.
Since marching band started before the college quarter, I was done before the college quarter ended. For some reason, I still remember the last day - November 17.
Of course no teaching job was available at that odd time. There was some family stress going on in OH where I was from, and I received an invitation to stay with a friend and her family in MI. I found a job in retail and worked hard.
I tried my hand at grad school the following school year as a Graduate Assistant in oboe performance at the University of Akron. It was a very hard year. My supervising professor was seriously like a Jekyl and Hyde. I shared his office and didn't know which one I was going to walk into every day. One version of him was kind and encouraging and the other was harsh, demanding and very hard to work with.
I had always been a big fish in a small pond, and the academic year of 1996-7, I finally learned (as I had desired to) where I really ranked in an average pond. I saw the facts. 1) If I was going to "make it", I would have to sacrifice every other part of my life to this career. There would be no time for a social life or anything else, between personal practicing, group rehearsals and making my reeds (part of a double reed player's routine). 2) In conjunction with number 1, while the Lord had given me a love for music and certainly had given me such comfort and healing through music - and had given me some talent - I was not naturally gifted as many of my colleagues were and my very best efforts were just barely good enough for the lowest levels of professional musicianship. 3) There are only typically 2 permanent oboe positions in a professional orchestra. That means an opening generally comes up when someone dies, retires, or (the unusual) resigns. I would have to be willing to go anywhere and everywhere around the country where an opening would be, no matter where my family spread out to.
So, strike 1 of 2 majors. I spent the next year working as a secretary for a great Lutheran church in MI. I learned so much and met some really wonderful people. I started directing the Children's Choir there. The Pastor was a theologian and had written several Lutheran theology books. We had many good theological discussions. I grew up in a very legalistic Baptist bubble (I'm not blaming anyone, I'm just providing context). It was great for me to be in this safe environment to learn that there will certainly be other denominations in Heaven besides Baptists! I grew to love the symbolism in the liturgy - espcially during Holy Week such as Maundy Thursday - when, at the conclusion of the service, the altar is stripped of its vestments as our Savior was stripped in preparation for His execution.
The next academic year, 1998-9, I worked as the Music Director for a very small Christian school, grades 1-12. I taught everything - general music for elementary (ended up being the most enjoyable because they were happy to be there), band for junior high (my fatal blow), choir for HS (a joke because I couldn't play piano and didn't have an accompanist).
The junior high band students were absolutely horrible, and their parents were worse! They didn't want to be there, and I had no clear plan for class discipline (I knew this before my senior year of college and this was one of the reasons why I knew I didn't want to be a classroom teacher). I defaulted to yelling over them/at them, which was my "go-to" and helped no one. They were (as they are at that age) extremely mean to me, and I did not have the self-confidence or thick enough skin to deal with it. By November (i.e., two months into the year), I knew I was done. I went to the school Administrator then and told him I wanted to quit. Somehow he talked me into staying. Only by God's grace.
Strike 2.
I got a wonderful job about a month after school was out at a hospital as a secretary and worked there for about 2 years. I met some great people and learned alot. It was during this time I ventured into "home ownership", if you call purchasing a mobile home that was older than I was home ownership! My friend's Dad did all the maintenance (it was a skinny, long money pit!) but it was good to be on my own.
The best thing about the time period from August 1998 through February 2001 is that I shared life with a precious Corgi mix named BJ. He was 10 years old when I got him. His owner had passed away and he needed a home. The Lord knew that I needed to learn how to love, and what unconditional love looked like. If you are not a dog lover, you won't understand that last sentence. I promise I am not being sacrilegious when I say that. Since my breakup with my boyfriend 4+ years prior to that, my heart had been broken wide open and I needed lessons in love. When I cried, I kid you not, BJ would put his paw on my hand, or he would lick the tears off my cheeks.
In August of 2000, a series of radical events began to unfold that eventually became what I now know was the road that led me to Dallas and Dallas Theological Seminary. I moved 1200 miles from all I knew and loved, sight un-seen (school and apartment both!). Part of that painful, pealing away process to get me from MI to TX was BJ's passing in February of 2001 as he never would have survived the move. My Grandpa unexpectedly went to Heaven in November of 2000 and my focus was shifted back to where it should have been all along.
For, you see, while my heart was broken, perhaps before, but definitely after that phone call now 20 years ago, I silently and very slowly allowed myself to be led away - and sometimes actively wandered away by myself - from my Shepherd. By October of 2000, I was in a place that no Christian should ever be, and I praise the Lord for not giving up on me. After I got to Dallas, the Pastor (at the time), Mac Brunson of my church, First Baptist Dallas, was preaching on John 10, the passage where Jesus talks about His sheep knowing His voice and that no one can snatch them out of His hand. Dr. Brunson made a graphic gesture of reaching down and quickly and forcefully grabbing someone out of danger - rescuing them - as if the Father says to Satan - "NO! You may not have this one - THIS IS MY CHILD!"
That is exactly what I think of when I think of the second chance the Lord so graciously gave me that began on October 2, 2000 and led to my arrival in Dallas, TX on the day after my 28th birthday, July 8, 2001.
The story hasn't ended, but to fill in some of the details: I never finished my degree at DTS (had to quit due to health issues and lack of funds); while I did the eHarmony thing and a couple arranged dates, I have never seriously dated anyone since I broke up with my boyfriend 20 years ago; due to some car accidents and injuries to my C1-C2 vertebrae in my neck, I can now no longer play my oboe on a regular basis, only for short periods of time; I have been working as an Investment Analyst at a consulting firm for the past 10 years and am working on passing my credentialing exams (boy, do I wish I could tell the 19 year-old version of me she might need more math some day!!)
Here is where my little blurb on the side bar of the blog comes in. From 20 years ago (wife of a missionary pilot and mother to his children) to now (single, never married, no children, professional woman) - I am NOWHERE near where I thought I would be in life. Sometimes, on the hard days, I'm not really where I'd LIKE to be. But praise be to God for all His blessings, I know that I am smack dab in the middle of where I NEED to be, and there is much peace in that. The kind of peace that makes up for all the "what if"'s.
Psalm 37:4 was my theme verse for last year when I turned 40 - "Trust in Lord with all your heart and He will give you the desires of your heart". I do not believe God is a vending machine, so this verse means 2 things to me - 1) God will give me what I have always desired or 2) He will change my desires.
These past 20 years have not been easy, have certainly not been expected. That phone call 2 decades ago changed my life forever. From what I know now, I praise the Lord for rescuing me from a marriage that would have been unhappy at best and doomed at the worst.
Though I am human and struggle at times just like you might expect with loneliness, etc. I can say that God has been so very faithful. I have so many blessings and 90% of the time am very content being single with the independence that brings.
I can honestly say that He is more than enough. Praise be to Him. I can't wait to see what He has in store for the next 20 years! :)
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
OHSU-NFMCPA fibromyalgia survey
I don't talk about my Fibro too much, but it's altered my life significantly since the symptoms began in late 2003 and early 2004. One of the things I'm super thankful for is that I don't have severe pain and am not disabled like nearly a quarter of Fibro patients have and are. Most of my symptoms fall into the scope of this survey that was done, symptoms other than pain. If you are interested in finding out more about the study, here is the link:
http://www.fmcpaware.org/ohsu-nfmcpa-survey-of-symptoms-other-than-pain-for-fda-meeting-part-1.html
In preparation for the Food and Drug Administration's Public Fibromyalgia Patient-Focused Meeting December 10, 2013 (rescheduled to March 26, 2014), the National Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Association in partnership with Dr. Robert Bennett, Professor of Medicine at Oregon Health & Science University, published a nationwide survey to capture important scientific information to report at the FDA meeting. Robust community participation in the survey during a short time period indicated strong support for more research on fibromyalgia. Dr. Bennett prepared a three-part series of the results for the NFMCPA for education to its constituents and the public. These valuable insights will also be used in further research at OHSU as well as being submitted for publication in a peer-reviewed professional journal. This is Part 1 of that 3-part series.
During a couple of weeks at the end of November 2013, NFMPCA members looked at a questionnaire designed by Dr. Rob Bennett. The intent of this questionnaire was to provide information to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) on common symptoms encountered by fibromyalgia patients, other than pain. This information was to be presented by Jan Chambers at an FDA meeting in December 2013, but due to bad weather the meeting was canceled and was rescheduled for March 26, 2014. This survey provided us with a lot of new and important information regarding the suffering endured by fibromyalgia patients.
http://www.fmcpaware.org/ohsu-nfmcpa-survey-of-symptoms-other-than-pain-for-fda-meeting-part-1.html
In preparation for the Food and Drug Administration's Public Fibromyalgia Patient-Focused Meeting December 10, 2013 (rescheduled to March 26, 2014), the National Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Association in partnership with Dr. Robert Bennett, Professor of Medicine at Oregon Health & Science University, published a nationwide survey to capture important scientific information to report at the FDA meeting. Robust community participation in the survey during a short time period indicated strong support for more research on fibromyalgia. Dr. Bennett prepared a three-part series of the results for the NFMCPA for education to its constituents and the public. These valuable insights will also be used in further research at OHSU as well as being submitted for publication in a peer-reviewed professional journal. This is Part 1 of that 3-part series.
During a couple of weeks at the end of November 2013, NFMPCA members looked at a questionnaire designed by Dr. Rob Bennett. The intent of this questionnaire was to provide information to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) on common symptoms encountered by fibromyalgia patients, other than pain. This information was to be presented by Jan Chambers at an FDA meeting in December 2013, but due to bad weather the meeting was canceled and was rescheduled for March 26, 2014. This survey provided us with a lot of new and important information regarding the suffering endured by fibromyalgia patients.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
On the way to whom I'm becoming...
All my life, I have known in my heart that I was to be a wife and mother. It wasn't so much of a dream as it was a destiny. And, each year (especially in the past 15 or so) that passed that I wasn't either one, I felt like I was treading water waiting for my true life to start. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". I do not believe that God is a vending machine. So, this verse means one of 2 things. Either the Lord is going to give me what I desire, or He is going to change my desires.
This year, the year that I turned 40, I was more reflective and pensive than usual. In order to distract myself from my birthday that ended in zero, I took a whole week's vacation from work to spend with some of my favorite people on earth, who are unfortunately now 1000+ miles away. I had a great time with them, just doing life with their sweet family of 3 kids (6, 3.5 and 1.5) that call me Aunt Sarah. The children are very well behaved, but they have sin natures just like all of us. The six year old and three year old are sisters, and they were going through a season of frequent spats. Their parents, while certainly not perfect, are some of the best I know. They are raising their children as I would have raised mine. (I have actually read some of the parenting books they have.) They have family devotions every night, Mama and Daddy consistently point the little ones to Jesus and the children are lovingly but firmly disciplined. This includes spanking when it is warranted and it is done appropriately - the child is taken to the bathroom or a private place, the reason for the spanking is given, afterwards there is reinforcement of love and the need for reconciliation with the person(s) the child wronged and the child and person(s) hug.
It was very slowly, because the Lord knows I couldn't handle processing this all at once, that something began to work its way to the surface of my mind/heart. I realized that maybe, I don't want to be the mother of a child, because I don't think I can handle the willful disobedience that every child will exhibit due to their sin nature. I realized that every time - my whole life - that I have pictured myself as a mother - it has been of a baby, a child with only positive responses to my love. I know that an older child's disobedience would be different if it were my child, but I think prior to this week with my friends and their kids I might have written off this less than pleasant behavior by the children as poor parenting. But I certainly couldn't this time, and that's when this seed of potential truth/change of desires began to unfold.
There are many reasons (simple facts and 2 I will mention here) that I can point to as to why I know the Lord has not provided a child for me yet. Firstly and most importantly is my knee-jerk reaction to disobedience or challenge of my authority by children for whom I've babysat has been threatening and other verbal and psychologically abusive behavior. I am certainly not proud of that, and I thank God from saving me from doing permanent life-long damage to a child.
The second reason is practical. Due to my health issues and work schedule, I am not physically able to take care of a child of any age by myself. While I believe it is biblically acceptable and know that it is legally permissible to adopt as a single woman, I personally could not do that. I do not have any men in my life that could act as father figures, and I believe God's design for child-rearing is for there to be a father as well as a mother. Since I am not married, then I believe this is another indicator that motherhood may not be in the future.
For the first time ever, I am actually almost OK with peeking into what's behind the curtain of not being a mother or wife. And, as someone that knows me very well pointed out - what if, instead of waiting to become someone/something I'm not (yet), I am already now on the track to whom I'm becoming? Meaning, my destination (not just temporary status) might be a single woman? How freeing would that be?
I think, though I'm not positive, that would mean that my desires are really starting to change. And I can feel, just a tiny bit, how much freedom would be in abiding in that place.
So, as we step into another year, I'm going to continue to follow this road of Psalm 37:4. The Lord has been so faithful to provide for my needs, and as omnipotent and omniscient Almighty God, He is in control and He knows what He is doing. He has my best in mind and I can trust Him. He is more than enough.
This year, the year that I turned 40, I was more reflective and pensive than usual. In order to distract myself from my birthday that ended in zero, I took a whole week's vacation from work to spend with some of my favorite people on earth, who are unfortunately now 1000+ miles away. I had a great time with them, just doing life with their sweet family of 3 kids (6, 3.5 and 1.5) that call me Aunt Sarah. The children are very well behaved, but they have sin natures just like all of us. The six year old and three year old are sisters, and they were going through a season of frequent spats. Their parents, while certainly not perfect, are some of the best I know. They are raising their children as I would have raised mine. (I have actually read some of the parenting books they have.) They have family devotions every night, Mama and Daddy consistently point the little ones to Jesus and the children are lovingly but firmly disciplined. This includes spanking when it is warranted and it is done appropriately - the child is taken to the bathroom or a private place, the reason for the spanking is given, afterwards there is reinforcement of love and the need for reconciliation with the person(s) the child wronged and the child and person(s) hug.
It was very slowly, because the Lord knows I couldn't handle processing this all at once, that something began to work its way to the surface of my mind/heart. I realized that maybe, I don't want to be the mother of a child, because I don't think I can handle the willful disobedience that every child will exhibit due to their sin nature. I realized that every time - my whole life - that I have pictured myself as a mother - it has been of a baby, a child with only positive responses to my love. I know that an older child's disobedience would be different if it were my child, but I think prior to this week with my friends and their kids I might have written off this less than pleasant behavior by the children as poor parenting. But I certainly couldn't this time, and that's when this seed of potential truth/change of desires began to unfold.
There are many reasons (simple facts and 2 I will mention here) that I can point to as to why I know the Lord has not provided a child for me yet. Firstly and most importantly is my knee-jerk reaction to disobedience or challenge of my authority by children for whom I've babysat has been threatening and other verbal and psychologically abusive behavior. I am certainly not proud of that, and I thank God from saving me from doing permanent life-long damage to a child.
The second reason is practical. Due to my health issues and work schedule, I am not physically able to take care of a child of any age by myself. While I believe it is biblically acceptable and know that it is legally permissible to adopt as a single woman, I personally could not do that. I do not have any men in my life that could act as father figures, and I believe God's design for child-rearing is for there to be a father as well as a mother. Since I am not married, then I believe this is another indicator that motherhood may not be in the future.
For the first time ever, I am actually almost OK with peeking into what's behind the curtain of not being a mother or wife. And, as someone that knows me very well pointed out - what if, instead of waiting to become someone/something I'm not (yet), I am already now on the track to whom I'm becoming? Meaning, my destination (not just temporary status) might be a single woman? How freeing would that be?
I think, though I'm not positive, that would mean that my desires are really starting to change. And I can feel, just a tiny bit, how much freedom would be in abiding in that place.
So, as we step into another year, I'm going to continue to follow this road of Psalm 37:4. The Lord has been so faithful to provide for my needs, and as omnipotent and omniscient Almighty God, He is in control and He knows what He is doing. He has my best in mind and I can trust Him. He is more than enough.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Remembering God's Faithfulness
Twelve years ago this past Wednesday, I performed the last act of love towards my precious 12.5 yr old dog BJ. You might wonder why I would want to remember that. Well, firstly it was a traumatic day for me so I remember it not necessarily because I want to but because I just do. But it was also very significant in the bigger picture of what God was doing in my life in the beginning of 2001.
I graduated from Christian college in 1995 and between then and 2001 I had slowly allowed myself to be led astray by the people I chose to associate with. My heart was no longer focused on my Shepherd and because of that, I know longer yearned for His voice. I filled that void with all sorts of things, some that were healthy and mostly those that were the furthest thing from. I came so close to sheer evil I still shudder at some of the thoughts and things that were going through my head at that time.
But God is faithful. And even when one of His children is being willfully disobedient and defiant, He will not allow Satan to snatch us out of His hand, and my life is a great example of that. The morning of October 2, 2000, I woke up in a mental facility for the 2nd time in 3 months. That was my spiritual awakening and God's grace giving me my chance to turn back to Him.
It was as the Psalmist says in Psalm 18:19, "He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me".
That morning in the mental hospital I made some life-changing decisions that led to a long, hard road back to where I needed to be in my relationship with the Lord. He was so gracious and faithful every step of the way. One of the things He called me to do - not audibly, but as close as can be to that - was to move 1400 miles away from where I was in MI to Dallas, TX to go to seminary. At the time I really didn't know what the end result of going to seminary would be. I just knew every man and woman I knew that really knew God's Word had studied at that school, so that's where I knew I had to go.
There were several obstacles to uprooting my life in MI and moving sight-unseen to an apartment 1400 miles away from all I knew and loved. One of which was selling my old mobile home, which God took care of quickly. Another was sweet BJ. I knew he would not survive in the horrible heat of TX and I would be working and going to school and I didn't see how that would work. I didn't even have the nerve to pray about it because my heart was so sad about what I knew had to happen.
It came very suddenly. At Christmas 2000, he was just fine. In January, he had developed something very painful to where he could barely walk. He was on pain pills-doggie Vicodin if you can believe it! Then, on the morning of February 27, 2001, we were on our morning walk through the snowy mobile home park, and he stopped. He looked and me and I knew he could not go any further. I picked him up (he wasn't light-weight!) and carried him back home, speaking tenderly to him the whole way, becaue I felt certain he was scared. I know I was! Walking was his absolute favorite thing to do, aside from snuggling on the sofa.
Once we got back into the house, I tried to give him his pain pill with peanut butter, but he wouldn't take it. I knew then. All day I planned for the appointment at the vet, setting up for someone to drive us, because I knew I would be in no shape to drive home with his collar by myself.
Looking back, the vet thought that BJ probably had developed a tumor on his spine, for the pain to develop and escalate that quickly. I don't know. I know, though, that the Lord got me through the hardest, saddest days of my life after that Tuesday afternoon through the support of friends.
One of my prayer partners said, when I sent out an update (at this point, I had a group that was praying my way towards moving to Dallas and seminary) - "looks like the Lord is gradually pulling away all the strings that are holding you in MI".
Yes, yes He was. That "string" on February 27 was a very painful one. But I praise the Lord for the 2.5 years I had with that sweet furry child of mine. The Lord rehabilitated my soul through that dog's unconditional love.
Less than 5 months later, on my 28th birthday, July 7, 2001, my Mom and I began the 1200 mile journey from their house in OH to my apartment in Dallas, TX.
Eleven and a half years and half a seminary degree later, I still don't exactly know what God has planned for me here in Dallas. I have so many blessings. But He's been so faithful. Through the hard times, the good times, and all the mundane days in between.
I graduated from Christian college in 1995 and between then and 2001 I had slowly allowed myself to be led astray by the people I chose to associate with. My heart was no longer focused on my Shepherd and because of that, I know longer yearned for His voice. I filled that void with all sorts of things, some that were healthy and mostly those that were the furthest thing from. I came so close to sheer evil I still shudder at some of the thoughts and things that were going through my head at that time.
But God is faithful. And even when one of His children is being willfully disobedient and defiant, He will not allow Satan to snatch us out of His hand, and my life is a great example of that. The morning of October 2, 2000, I woke up in a mental facility for the 2nd time in 3 months. That was my spiritual awakening and God's grace giving me my chance to turn back to Him.
It was as the Psalmist says in Psalm 18:19, "He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me".
That morning in the mental hospital I made some life-changing decisions that led to a long, hard road back to where I needed to be in my relationship with the Lord. He was so gracious and faithful every step of the way. One of the things He called me to do - not audibly, but as close as can be to that - was to move 1400 miles away from where I was in MI to Dallas, TX to go to seminary. At the time I really didn't know what the end result of going to seminary would be. I just knew every man and woman I knew that really knew God's Word had studied at that school, so that's where I knew I had to go.
There were several obstacles to uprooting my life in MI and moving sight-unseen to an apartment 1400 miles away from all I knew and loved. One of which was selling my old mobile home, which God took care of quickly. Another was sweet BJ. I knew he would not survive in the horrible heat of TX and I would be working and going to school and I didn't see how that would work. I didn't even have the nerve to pray about it because my heart was so sad about what I knew had to happen.
It came very suddenly. At Christmas 2000, he was just fine. In January, he had developed something very painful to where he could barely walk. He was on pain pills-doggie Vicodin if you can believe it! Then, on the morning of February 27, 2001, we were on our morning walk through the snowy mobile home park, and he stopped. He looked and me and I knew he could not go any further. I picked him up (he wasn't light-weight!) and carried him back home, speaking tenderly to him the whole way, becaue I felt certain he was scared. I know I was! Walking was his absolute favorite thing to do, aside from snuggling on the sofa.
Once we got back into the house, I tried to give him his pain pill with peanut butter, but he wouldn't take it. I knew then. All day I planned for the appointment at the vet, setting up for someone to drive us, because I knew I would be in no shape to drive home with his collar by myself.
Looking back, the vet thought that BJ probably had developed a tumor on his spine, for the pain to develop and escalate that quickly. I don't know. I know, though, that the Lord got me through the hardest, saddest days of my life after that Tuesday afternoon through the support of friends.
One of my prayer partners said, when I sent out an update (at this point, I had a group that was praying my way towards moving to Dallas and seminary) - "looks like the Lord is gradually pulling away all the strings that are holding you in MI".
Yes, yes He was. That "string" on February 27 was a very painful one. But I praise the Lord for the 2.5 years I had with that sweet furry child of mine. The Lord rehabilitated my soul through that dog's unconditional love.
Less than 5 months later, on my 28th birthday, July 7, 2001, my Mom and I began the 1200 mile journey from their house in OH to my apartment in Dallas, TX.
Eleven and a half years and half a seminary degree later, I still don't exactly know what God has planned for me here in Dallas. I have so many blessings. But He's been so faithful. Through the hard times, the good times, and all the mundane days in between.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Christmas Traditions
I'm linking up today with Kelly's Korner about Christmas traditions.
Growing up, we lived in Ohio far away from both sets of grandparents - Mom's parents were in NY state and Dad's in TX. So it was generally just the 5 of us for Christmas. We went to church on Christmas Eve and then afterwards were allowed to open one gift, and it was usually the gift from my Dad's mother and stepfather (not sure why, it just was).
Christmas morning, before any presents were opened, my Dad would read the Christmas story from the Bible, in Luke.
Then one by one, we would open gifts one at a time, so we could see what everyone got - so Dad would open one, then Mom would open one, then I would, then brother #1 would, then brother #2 would, then back to Dad again, etc. until we were finished with all the presents. I prefer this method over everyone tearing into everything and no one knowing what each other got and seeing the expression on each other's face when Mom opened your present, etc.
Then, we kids would lay out our presents on the sofa on display so Dad could take pictures of what we got to send to grandparents and for the record in our photo albums. We were blessed that we always had great Christmases - nothing lavish - my Mom didn't work outside the home until my youngest brother went to school, and when she did 100% of it went to college savings - but we got (what I now understand to be) generous presents each year.
Throughout Christmas Day, we would play Handel's Messiah on the record player (yes, I'm that old!) That's some of my favorite music ever. We talked to our grandparents on the phone - which, because it was expensive to talk long distance - was a special thing. We had Christmas dinner - usually ham, Mom's broccoli/green bean casserole, crescent rolls, some kind of jello salad, then pecan and some other kind of pie. There were probably mashed potatoes but since I don't care for those I don't remember!
From the time I was 12 years old throughout my junior year of high school, Christmas morning also involved delivering the ginormous newspapers first. My parents were so "generous" to give me a paper route for my 12th birthday. To their credit, they did a LOT of the work and that money went to pay for college. The papers were so huge Christmas morning because they had all the day-after-Christmas sale ads in them.
Unfortunately with us now geographically spread out in 3 states and by thousands of miles, my two brothers and their families, Mom and Dad and I haven't been together for Christmas since the last one at the homestead in Lima, OH in 2005. Maybe some day it will work out. Mom & Dad have stockings for everyone just in case - including an extra for my spouse-to-be in case the Lord brings one, just so it will match with all the others! :)
So for the past 6 Christmases and this one too, it will be Mom and Dad and I in Houston at their house. Thanks to the wonderful technology of FaceTime, hopefully we will see my brothers and their families and be able to talk to them sometime that day. Later in the afternoon, my Dad's side of the family - his sister and her children and their children - will get together for dinner and we will enjoy being part of that. Since 2001 when I moved down here to TX I have enjoyed being part of a large extended family Christmas dinner.
But if you had to ask me my favorite traditions, I would say listening to Dad read from Luke and listening to Handel's Messiah play in the background. Because if we lose sight of what Christmas is all about, all the traditions in the world are just worthless.
Merry Christmas!
Growing up, we lived in Ohio far away from both sets of grandparents - Mom's parents were in NY state and Dad's in TX. So it was generally just the 5 of us for Christmas. We went to church on Christmas Eve and then afterwards were allowed to open one gift, and it was usually the gift from my Dad's mother and stepfather (not sure why, it just was).
Christmas morning, before any presents were opened, my Dad would read the Christmas story from the Bible, in Luke.
Then one by one, we would open gifts one at a time, so we could see what everyone got - so Dad would open one, then Mom would open one, then I would, then brother #1 would, then brother #2 would, then back to Dad again, etc. until we were finished with all the presents. I prefer this method over everyone tearing into everything and no one knowing what each other got and seeing the expression on each other's face when Mom opened your present, etc.
Then, we kids would lay out our presents on the sofa on display so Dad could take pictures of what we got to send to grandparents and for the record in our photo albums. We were blessed that we always had great Christmases - nothing lavish - my Mom didn't work outside the home until my youngest brother went to school, and when she did 100% of it went to college savings - but we got (what I now understand to be) generous presents each year.
Throughout Christmas Day, we would play Handel's Messiah on the record player (yes, I'm that old!) That's some of my favorite music ever. We talked to our grandparents on the phone - which, because it was expensive to talk long distance - was a special thing. We had Christmas dinner - usually ham, Mom's broccoli/green bean casserole, crescent rolls, some kind of jello salad, then pecan and some other kind of pie. There were probably mashed potatoes but since I don't care for those I don't remember!
From the time I was 12 years old throughout my junior year of high school, Christmas morning also involved delivering the ginormous newspapers first. My parents were so "generous" to give me a paper route for my 12th birthday. To their credit, they did a LOT of the work and that money went to pay for college. The papers were so huge Christmas morning because they had all the day-after-Christmas sale ads in them.
Unfortunately with us now geographically spread out in 3 states and by thousands of miles, my two brothers and their families, Mom and Dad and I haven't been together for Christmas since the last one at the homestead in Lima, OH in 2005. Maybe some day it will work out. Mom & Dad have stockings for everyone just in case - including an extra for my spouse-to-be in case the Lord brings one, just so it will match with all the others! :)
So for the past 6 Christmases and this one too, it will be Mom and Dad and I in Houston at their house. Thanks to the wonderful technology of FaceTime, hopefully we will see my brothers and their families and be able to talk to them sometime that day. Later in the afternoon, my Dad's side of the family - his sister and her children and their children - will get together for dinner and we will enjoy being part of that. Since 2001 when I moved down here to TX I have enjoyed being part of a large extended family Christmas dinner.
But if you had to ask me my favorite traditions, I would say listening to Dad read from Luke and listening to Handel's Messiah play in the background. Because if we lose sight of what Christmas is all about, all the traditions in the world are just worthless.
Merry Christmas!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Redemption
Sunday, the choir at church sang "It Feels Like Redemption". I scribbled down a few of the lyrics, but you can find them all here.
"It feels like redemption
Raining down on me
It feels like forgiveness
Has come to set me free
All my chains have been lifted
'Cause when the hands of love
Touch a broken life
It feels like redemption"
Such a powerful song. Such an amazing concept. To redeem means to ransom, or to buy back. The Lord has bought me, and you, back out of the slave market of sin. We are no longer captives when we trust in His death on the cross solely as payment for our sins.
Aside from the wonderful redemption that occurs at salvation, there are many other times that the Lord can and (I'm living proof!) does redeem us - quite often from the mess we've made of our own lives by our own sinful choices. I know that's what happened to me. In my selfish disobedience, I let my heart get led astray. I wandered long and far from my Shepherd. One night many years ago, I nearly wandered off the edge - the edge from which one cannot turn back.
And then - and THEN - came redemption. He bought me back. Just like that. The Shepherd took His crook and He pulled this wayward sheep back into the fold in just the nick of time. When His hands of love touched my brokened life, it not only felt like redemption, it was!
That was many years ago - 12.5 to be exact. I hope I never forget what it felt like on that morning after my huge redemption when I realized I had been given (not a second, I had passed that number years ago!) but YET ANOTHER chance - it was freedom and fresh air and strength. And it was all HIM.
Since then He continues to faithfully redeem me when I make a mess of things because I feel like I need to control everything (as if the creator of the universe and the one that knitted my heart together doesn't know better?) - or because I'm tired of waiting...His sovereign timing is perfect and he says 1000 years are like a day...
What have you been redeemed from? Big and small, it's all significant. Redemption is freeing, life-giving and restorative. It's something that in the purest form, only our God can give us. I hope we all remember to be grateful for redemption.
"It feels like redemption
Raining down on me
It feels like forgiveness
Has come to set me free
All my chains have been lifted
'Cause when the hands of love
Touch a broken life
It feels like redemption"
Such a powerful song. Such an amazing concept. To redeem means to ransom, or to buy back. The Lord has bought me, and you, back out of the slave market of sin. We are no longer captives when we trust in His death on the cross solely as payment for our sins.
Aside from the wonderful redemption that occurs at salvation, there are many other times that the Lord can and (I'm living proof!) does redeem us - quite often from the mess we've made of our own lives by our own sinful choices. I know that's what happened to me. In my selfish disobedience, I let my heart get led astray. I wandered long and far from my Shepherd. One night many years ago, I nearly wandered off the edge - the edge from which one cannot turn back.
And then - and THEN - came redemption. He bought me back. Just like that. The Shepherd took His crook and He pulled this wayward sheep back into the fold in just the nick of time. When His hands of love touched my brokened life, it not only felt like redemption, it was!
That was many years ago - 12.5 to be exact. I hope I never forget what it felt like on that morning after my huge redemption when I realized I had been given (not a second, I had passed that number years ago!) but YET ANOTHER chance - it was freedom and fresh air and strength. And it was all HIM.
Since then He continues to faithfully redeem me when I make a mess of things because I feel like I need to control everything (as if the creator of the universe and the one that knitted my heart together doesn't know better?) - or because I'm tired of waiting...His sovereign timing is perfect and he says 1000 years are like a day...
What have you been redeemed from? Big and small, it's all significant. Redemption is freeing, life-giving and restorative. It's something that in the purest form, only our God can give us. I hope we all remember to be grateful for redemption.
Monday, May 10, 2010
A Timely Word
I am going through Nancy Leigh DeMoss' book Choosing Gratitude and the 30-day devotional that goes with it. Today's reading was in Psalm 103. I have always loved this Psalm. What struck me today was how timely this particular Word was. In order to understand, I need to explain a little of what's been going on in my heart the past few days.
I learned Saturday night that a friend from college passed away. This friend was a part of my life when I was wandering away from the Lord and over the next few years made many wrong decisions and sinful choices. God in His mercy rescued me from the horrible position I was in and when it was all said and done, gave me a fresh start in another state thousands of miles away. Learning of her death brought on a flood of memories, which are filled with guilt and shame. I do not want to be anxious about this because I know that God has forgiven me and my sins are as far as the east is from the west. I have asked 3 key people to pray about the situation, that I would focus on the Lord's grace and not these painful memories.
With that info in mind, imagine how much this spoke to my heart when I read these words just now:
"O my soul, bless God! From head to toe, I'll bless His holy name.
O my soul, bless God. Don't forget a single blessing!
He forgives your sins - every one.
He heals your diseases - every one.
He redeems you from Hell - saves your life!
He crowns you with love and mercy - a paradise crown.
He wraps you in goodness - beauty eternal.
He renews your youth - you're always young in His presence." (The Message)
How I praise the Lord for these wonderful truths - such a timely Word for me today...and for each of you. Even if you don't have a past to be weighed down with, we all can appreciate our salvation by God's mercy, as well as His infinite goodness.
All praise to Him!
I learned Saturday night that a friend from college passed away. This friend was a part of my life when I was wandering away from the Lord and over the next few years made many wrong decisions and sinful choices. God in His mercy rescued me from the horrible position I was in and when it was all said and done, gave me a fresh start in another state thousands of miles away. Learning of her death brought on a flood of memories, which are filled with guilt and shame. I do not want to be anxious about this because I know that God has forgiven me and my sins are as far as the east is from the west. I have asked 3 key people to pray about the situation, that I would focus on the Lord's grace and not these painful memories.
With that info in mind, imagine how much this spoke to my heart when I read these words just now:
"O my soul, bless God! From head to toe, I'll bless His holy name.
O my soul, bless God. Don't forget a single blessing!
He forgives your sins - every one.
He heals your diseases - every one.
He redeems you from Hell - saves your life!
He crowns you with love and mercy - a paradise crown.
He wraps you in goodness - beauty eternal.
He renews your youth - you're always young in His presence." (The Message)
How I praise the Lord for these wonderful truths - such a timely Word for me today...and for each of you. Even if you don't have a past to be weighed down with, we all can appreciate our salvation by God's mercy, as well as His infinite goodness.
All praise to Him!
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