On the way to whom I'm becoming...

All my life, I have known in my heart that I was to be a wife and mother.  It wasn't so much of a dream as it was a destiny.  And, each year (especially in the past 15 or so) that passed that I wasn't either one, I felt like I was treading water waiting for my true life to start. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart".  I do not believe that God is a vending machine.  So, this verse means one of 2 things.  Either the Lord is going to give me what I desire, or He is going to change my desires.

This year, the year that I turned 40, I was more reflective and pensive than usual.  In order to distract myself from my birthday that ended in zero, I took a whole week's vacation from work to spend with some of my favorite people on earth, who are unfortunately now 1000+ miles away.  I had a great time with them, just doing life with their sweet family of 3 kids (6, 3.5 and 1.5) that call me Aunt Sarah.  The children are very well behaved, but they have sin natures just like all of us.  The six year old and three year old are sisters, and they were going through a season of frequent spats.  Their parents, while certainly not perfect, are some of the best I know.  They are raising their children as I would have raised mine. (I have actually read some of the parenting books they have.)  They have family devotions every night, Mama and Daddy consistently point the little ones to Jesus and the children are lovingly but firmly disciplined.  This includes spanking when it is warranted and it is done appropriately - the child is taken to the bathroom or a private place, the reason for the spanking is given, afterwards there is reinforcement of love and the need for reconciliation with the person(s) the child wronged and the child and person(s) hug.

It was very slowly, because the Lord knows I couldn't handle processing this all at once, that something began to work its way to the surface of my mind/heart.  I realized that maybe, I don't want to be the mother of a child, because I don't think I can handle the willful disobedience that every child will exhibit due to their sin nature.  I realized that every time - my whole life - that I have pictured myself as a mother - it has been of a baby, a child with only positive responses to my love.  I know that an older child's disobedience would be different if it were my child, but I think prior to this week with my friends and their kids I might have written off this less than pleasant behavior by the children as poor parenting.  But I certainly couldn't this time, and that's when this seed of potential truth/change of desires began to unfold.

There are many reasons (simple facts and 2 I will mention here) that I can point to as to why I know the Lord has not provided a child for me yet.  Firstly and most importantly is my knee-jerk reaction to disobedience or challenge of my authority by children for whom I've babysat has been threatening and other verbal and psychologically abusive behavior. I am certainly not proud of that, and I thank God from saving me from doing permanent life-long damage to a child.

The second reason is practical.  Due to my health issues and work schedule, I am not physically able to take care of a child of any age by myself. While I believe it is biblically acceptable and know that it is legally permissible to adopt as a single woman, I personally could not do that.  I do not have any men in my life that could act as father figures, and I believe God's design for child-rearing is for there to be a father as well as a mother.  Since I am not married, then I believe this is another indicator that motherhood may not be in the future.

For the first time ever, I am actually almost OK with peeking into what's behind the curtain of not being a mother or wife.  And, as someone that knows me very well pointed out - what if, instead of waiting to become someone/something I'm not (yet), I am already now on the track to whom I'm becoming? Meaning, my destination (not just temporary status) might be a single woman?  How freeing would that be?

I think, though I'm not positive, that would mean that my desires are really starting to change.  And I can feel, just a tiny bit, how much freedom would be in abiding in that place.

So, as we step into another year, I'm going to continue to follow this road of Psalm 37:4.  The Lord has been so faithful to provide for my needs, and as omnipotent and omniscient Almighty God, He is in control and He knows what He is doing.  He has my best in mind and I can trust Him.  He is more than enough.

10 Years Ago Today...

...my life changed radically. I wrote the whole story here. Since that's a very lengthy post, I'll give you the "nutshell" version.

Ten years ago today, I made the decision to have a hysterectomy due to endometriosis. My choices were to do that or continue to put up with the side effects of the drugs and I had done enough of the latter that I finally chose the former.

Looking back, as my Dad says "hindsight is always 20/20", I wouldn't have made that choice. However, with the information I had available to me at the time, and with what the Lord was doing in my heart (turning my life around from the sinful mess I'd made of it)--I know that I made the right decision, albeit the hardest one I've ever made in my life. Surrending my ability to bear children (my lifelong dream) had become somewhat an "Isaac" I felt I needed to sacrifice out of obedience. Sounds weird, I know, but it was and is what I believe the Lord was calling me to do.

Each year when November 3 comes and goes, I am filled with mixed emotions. Obviously grief for what will never be, but above and beyond that, a deep, heartfelt thankfulness for God's faithfulness to me then and ever since. While I still do not understand how this all fits into His plan, I am choosing to trust Him.

I will be the first one to admit that as the years tick by, I wonder if I will ever be a mother or a wife. I know God is able (Eph 3:20-21), but from a human perspective it just seems so impossible. Could I be called to live out my days as a single, childless woman? Perhaps. Ultimately it boils down to, I do not have what I've longed for TODAY. That doesn't mean I'll never have what my heart yearns for. I do not know what tomorrow (or next week, or next month or next year) holds. But praise Him, I know who holds time and eternity in His hands. He was worth trusting November 3, 2000 and still is.

Empty Arms: Hannah's Story

Hannah’s earnest plea for a child is one that my heart has cried (and will continue to, I expect) so many times. Yet the same God that so abundantly blessed this godly woman by granting her the desire of her heart will someday (and even today in the interim) fill this child-size void in my heart with His tender, gentle, comforting presence. Praise be to YAHWEH the God of Israel and the God of my life! Only He is worthy of praise, for only He gives the gift of life, the gift of gratitude, the gift of tears, and the all-encompassing, never-ending gift of grace!

Empty Arms

Hannah’s Prayer of Desperation

[I Samuel 1: 9-11]

Holy God my Father

I come before your throne

Though I love you will all my heart, Lord,

There’s times I feel so alone.

My empty arms are aching

For a precious little one

You know my heart, oh YAHWEH

So to you, my Lord, I come.

Each time I see a baby, Lord

There’s sorrow in my heart

When I let my emotions take over,

I’m nearly torn apart.

My empty arms are hurting

But in the midst of the pain, I see

That only you are able

To fill this void inside of me.

So though my heart is fragile

And my flesh is only weak

Help me God to trust you—

It’s solely your face I seek.

So though my arms are empty

I praise you for your grace

In your sovereign time you’ll fill them,

Until then, I seek your face.

I wish I knew how to post a song on here. I wish you could hear my dear friend Becky’s beautiful voice sing this as a lullaby. This is the first time that one of my poems has been set to music. It is a portion of the poem “Gaze Into My Eyes” that I posted last week.

Gaze into My Eyes

Hannah’s Lullaby from Yahweh

[Words by Rebecca Lynn Edumondson (now Campbell) and Sarah J. Moseley]

I’ve loved you right from the start

And have all the best for you

You are my child

I love you with all my heart

Gaze into My eyes, my child

In them You’ll find my peace

You’ll find no judgement here

Only my sweet release.

Seek me and you’ll find me

When you seek me with all your heart

Come. rest in my arms

I’ve loved you from the start.

Gaze into My eyes, my child

There you’ll find my rest

In the midst of all your cares

I’ll turn your good into My best.

This Child

Hannah’s Song of Dedication and Praise

This little child, used by you

Greater things no one could do!

You formed him perfectly in side of me

Now he’s yours Lord, I set him free.

What a gift you’ve give your servant

My whole life up till now

My heart beat for you, Lord,

I knew you could—somehow!

Is there any reason you blessed this simple servant

With love so rich, so free?

No, my Lord Almighty—

It’s all you, NONE of me!

My life now has such purpose

My head now raised, I see

That all along you’ve loved me, so I’m here on bended knee.

He’s yours Lord and yours only—I give him up, I give him up to Thee!

Empty Arms: My Story

Picture is of a photograph © by Anne Geddes

This is not going to be a light-hearted post. So if you're looking for something fluffy, funny or impersonal, please click past this one. This week marked the 9th anniversary of a decision I made that changed my life forever. One of those decisions that you can't go back and change your mind--no matter what happens and what you learn after the fact that might have led you to make the opposite decision.

"Empty Arms" is my story...it is also the story of Hannah, my favorite biblical character. This post will be my story; the next post (above this) will be Hannah's. The beginning of the "Empty Arms" story is when I originally wrote it a baby dedication Sunday several years ago...going through part of the grieving process that I might not ever be one of those couples who brings their precious baby in front of the church to dedicate him/her to the Lord.

Then later that year in a semester at Dallas Theological Seminary (DTS), the Old Testament Survey prof, Dr Ron Allen, lectured on I Samuel chapters 1 and 2. While I had heard the story of Hannah so many times, that time he told it, Dr Allen brought to life for me the story of Hannah and her desperate prayer for a child. As I listened, the Lord quietly whispered to my heart that “Empty Arms” had many similarities to Hannah’s anguished pleas. Since November 3, 2000 when I choose as a 27-year-old to have a (medically necessary) hysterectomy, my appreciation of Hannah’s story has grown significantly. While there is no doubt in my mind that the Lord has designed me to be a wife and mother, I know now that if there are children that are mine, they will not be from my body. The Lord has given me a dream of a precious baby girl that I will name Hannah Hope. She might be Asian, or might be Romanian—she could be red, brown, yellow, black or white! Her name is Hannah because I will have waited SO LONG for her. Her name is hope because the Lord gives me hope when He rekindles that dream within me.

This decision to have a hysterectomy obviously had life-altering implications. I had always dreamed of being a mother naturally, of some day (when the Lord provided the husband) giving birth to a wonderful miracle of life. I still desperately wanted to be a mother. However, since 1993 (when my endometriosis was discovered), I had sacrificed many things (in hindsight too many things) in order to save my ability to bear children. A best friend, a fiancé, and quality of life were among the most noticeable. But by far, the most devastating thing I sacrificed in order to save my childbearing ability was my dependence on my Shepherd. It was as if I was telling the Lord, “You can take anything and everything, except this.” Holding on to ANYTHING, be it a righteous, godly desire or not—is failing to depend on Christ for everything.

I know that my Shepherd knows the path I’ve chosen, and more than I desire to hold a baby, I do long to be cradled within His strong loving arms. I can honestly say today, more than 9 years after my surgery, He continues to heal and restore me in my brokenness. I still go through mourning periods, but the Lord has provided a wonderful way to fill my arms--for now. I keep babies in the nursery at church every week. Every time I hold a baby, I try to remember that it is not outside of the Lord's power (even at the age I am now) to give me my own child someday.

Empty Arms

My Prayer of Desperation

Abba, God my Father

I come before your throne

Though I love you will all my heart, Lord,

There’s times I feel so very alone.

My empty arms are aching

For a precious little one

You know my heart, my Shepherd

And you know what I have done.

If I’d known then what I know now,

I’d have never made that choice,

But in your loving mercy

Through my pain I heard your voice.

Each time I see a baby, Lord

There’s sorrow in my heart

When I let my emotions take over,

I’m nearly torn apart.

Yet you’ve been patiently teaching me

To hold tight to your mighty hand;

As much as I long to hold my baby,

You long to hold me—oh, I scarce can understand!

My empty arms are hurting

But in the midst of the pain, I see

That only you are able

To fill this void inside of me.

So though my heart is fragile

And my flesh is only weak

Help me Lord to trust you—

It’s your heart only that I seek.

When I cling to my cares and troubles, my Jesus

I hinder your work in me

It’s only when I surrender my stubborn will

That you can begin to use me graciously.

So though my arms are empty

I praise you for your grace

In your sovereign time you’ll fill them, Lord—

Until then, I seek your face.

About a year after "Empty Arms" was written, I was at a DTS Women's retreat. The speaker, Gail Seidel, spoke about Naman's slave girl.Naman’s little slave girl was used greatly by God. She was in the midst of awful circumstances—as a slave she had no rights. Yet God used her in the life of Naman to bring him to faith in Yahweh. What this song means to me is that ALL children are a gift from the Lord who He desires to use greatly. Our children are not ours—they belong to God first; He has “loaned” them to us to instill in them the truths and values and love and character that will best make Him look great and get the most glory. Praise the Lord for the gift of a child’s smile, the softness of a baby’s skin and the joy they bring any time you’re in their presence!

This Child

A Song of Adopting Love

This little child, used by you

Greater things no one could do!

You plucked her up, out, and here—for me!

This precious life now yours, set free!

What a gift you’ve give your servant

My whole life up till now

My heart beat for you, Lord,

I knew you could—somehow!

This child, precious child--my arms enfold her sweetness, my lips caress her smile

Is there any reason you blessed this simple servant

With love so rich, so free?

No, my Lord Almighty—

It’s all you, NONE of me!

My life now has such purpose

My head now raised, I see

That all along you’ve loved me, so I’m here on bended knee.

She’s yours Lord and yours only—I give her up to Thee!

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…” Ps. 37:4 NIV

“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Eph. 3:20-21 NIV