10 Years Ago Today...

...my life changed radically. I wrote the whole story here. Since that's a very lengthy post, I'll give you the "nutshell" version.

Ten years ago today, I made the decision to have a hysterectomy due to endometriosis. My choices were to do that or continue to put up with the side effects of the drugs and I had done enough of the latter that I finally chose the former.

Looking back, as my Dad says "hindsight is always 20/20", I wouldn't have made that choice. However, with the information I had available to me at the time, and with what the Lord was doing in my heart (turning my life around from the sinful mess I'd made of it)--I know that I made the right decision, albeit the hardest one I've ever made in my life. Surrending my ability to bear children (my lifelong dream) had become somewhat an "Isaac" I felt I needed to sacrifice out of obedience. Sounds weird, I know, but it was and is what I believe the Lord was calling me to do.

Each year when November 3 comes and goes, I am filled with mixed emotions. Obviously grief for what will never be, but above and beyond that, a deep, heartfelt thankfulness for God's faithfulness to me then and ever since. While I still do not understand how this all fits into His plan, I am choosing to trust Him.

I will be the first one to admit that as the years tick by, I wonder if I will ever be a mother or a wife. I know God is able (Eph 3:20-21), but from a human perspective it just seems so impossible. Could I be called to live out my days as a single, childless woman? Perhaps. Ultimately it boils down to, I do not have what I've longed for TODAY. That doesn't mean I'll never have what my heart yearns for. I do not know what tomorrow (or next week, or next month or next year) holds. But praise Him, I know who holds time and eternity in His hands. He was worth trusting November 3, 2000 and still is.